Tonight I’ll do what I haven’t done for a while.
I’ll drink wine.
More than one, less than four.
Probably not standard serves
But just serves worthy of an ending and a celebration.
I play some music, put on a pretty dress.
Light some candles, dance with myself.
It’s a wake, a birthday and a marriage, all in one.
I mourn an ending.
The end of 18 years of playing small.
Of fitting in,
Calming waves instead of making them.
Of being less for him and them, and him and them.
I am joyous for the birth.
Two more meetings,
A few more emails.
Then I get ready to embark on that trip.
Give birth to the dream I had 18 years ago.
The one that went on hold for him and them, and him and them.
I’ll get on that plane,
However the fuck I feel
To do whatever the fuck I feel.
I’ll set one intention when I do,
Make a marriage to something for life.
On this trip I’ll look at you and them, and celebrate him and them.
Eye to eye without shrinking,
Without being less.
Standing in all I have become with all I have to give.
The next 18 years I’m playing big,
For you and them, for him and them.
And for me.